10. More of the exes: the importance of asking about family

While I've dipped into the land of the ex, I'll stay here a minute. My ex is middle eastern - and not "of middle eastern descent," but born and raised there. Needless to say, their family culture and that of my white-bread, preppy, New England family were quite different.

One of the earliest things I noticed was, whenever I saw anyone in the ex-law family, the first question was always "how are your parents?" And then my sister.  Fine. Why? Did something happen? Oh, they're just trying to make conversation. But the question persisted invariably, for over a decade, even after we had (many!) things to talk about.  I found that this started to sound and feel completely normal to me as part of a greeting dynamic.

This is a part of their culture - in fact, of most cultures worldwide, ours excepted. I realize that when I get together with my girlfriends from university, we don't lead with this question, even though we might not have seen each other for a year or longer and many things will certainly have changed with our families. 

Why don't we ask?  As much as it started to feel normal to me to ask, it also started to feel abnormal not to ask.  The topic will come up, sure, as some have lost parents, others' parents have struggled with illnesses, there have marriages and divorces, some have moved, many travel now since retirement, etc. Sharing stories of quirky and patterned family dynamics, especially after holidays, is always a highlight of our weekends.

But this direct "how are your parents?" is something we don't just do. It's a lovely bit of other cultures that I admire, and would like to work harder to adopt.  It has always struck me as an instant way of expressing care and concern for the important dynamics of my life, and also has the potential to deepen a relationship as those life details are shared and entrusted.  It's such a simple thing - a tiny question - but it's a lesson for which I'm grateful to my ex-laws.